|
|
Y&R Discussion Group
How they met I don't recall. But he was acting pretty high and mighty about her virtues. She came to a couple of family events. She was shy and they didn't do much interacting. When he announced the engagement I voiced my concern. They had never been on a trip together, never woken up together, brushed their teeth in the same room etc. etc. He got pretty pissy about it. Okay, whatever. The engagement was fast tracked and we all speculated that it was because he wanted to.....well you know!!!!
The wedding was one of the most beautiful and expensive weddings I have ever attended. Everyone was there. I went over board on the gifts from the registry because I was trying to make up for him being mad at me. They went on a honeymoon and she moved into the house he had recently purchased.
The trouble started right away. He quickly confided that he was absolutely dismayed to learn that she was a total slob. Not a pleasant discovery for a neat-nick! She was a monster with the toothpaste tube and the aftermath in the sink. She never saw a waste basket that needed emptying. She believed that the 2 laundry basket system worked best. One for clean, one for dirty. No folding for her!! She watched TV constantly and would leave cereal bowls on the coffee table for hours before tossing it into the sink. Not the DW. That kinda thing. She didn't get along with any of his friends and was a dull conversationalist.
He also confided TMI to me by lamenting that she didn't like to......well, you know!! Well knock me over with a feather!!!
She got her own apartment after 6 months. They remained married for 2 years. She would come over to his house and pretend to live there whenever our grandmother (my great) visited. They PRETENDED to be married because she was in ill health and he was afraid of inheritance repercussions. (thats a whole 'nother post!) A few of us knew the truth and went along with his plan. I was never close to that grandmother because she was a judgmental, overly religious Baptist also. Thats why I went along with the farce.
Anyway, I am posting this in the hopes that many of you will weigh in with your comments on how important and to what extent you should "know" your future spouse. My opinion? You should know them VERY well.
Replies: (list all replies)
I don't think living together or not living together (at least in these times) makes one iota of a difference in how successful the marriage is later on. As a result, I feel that it is solely the couple's decision whether or not they want to live together first. I personally would probably insist, but I don't have problems with people who want to stay separate until that ring gets on the finger.
I feel exactly the same about pre-marital sex. I do, however, feel that for many people who are against pre-marital sex (or have parners who are), they feel more encouraged to rush into a marriage just so they can start having sex. And rusing into a marriage is NEVER, EVER a good thing - for any reason at all.
And it looks like that is the mistake that your cousin may have made.
Replies: (list all replies)
Replies: (list all replies)
I think taking a trip is a really good idea. You get to see how someone handles surprises. Spending the night and weekends together is the only way you get to observe their habits. And how you react to those habits. What really bothers you and do you bother them and feel self conscious about it? Seeing someone in their natural habitat letting their hair down.
These are just my opinions of course. And no, C is no saint either! He is still single and never really "recovered" from that mistake. Plus a major family falling out happened involving the grandmother. She was not herself for a long while and her 5 kids and multiple grandkids did not agree about how to handle things. One big mess it was. And even though she has been gone for over a year now the ground is still scorched in places. I was not involved at all. A reluctant spectator really. But you can't help but get dragged in a little when loved ones are demanding your loyalty. Her oldest child is my grandmother whom I love dearly so I have done what ever she wanted. C was a great big thorn in her side during the whole ordeal.
Replies: (list all replies)
Sounds like she skipped Church the day they covered St. Paul's advice to wives... lol!
Replies: (list all replies)
There's no guarantee that I can see. My grandparents and parents did not live together before marriage and stayed married until one partner died. I have friends and relatives who lived together, got married, and still ended up divorced.
Though I will say that the fact this woman had such a narrow scope to her life should have been a big red flag. And that would have been the same whether her whole life revolved around hockey, or playing poker or watching TV. He didn't need to live with her to figure that one out.
Replies: (list all replies)
Replies: (list all replies)
cook, it just as the old saying goes, You NEVER know a person until you live with them.
No matter how long he dated her, he wasn't living with her, that's a whole nutter story!!!!!!
This is why marriages these days don't work out. I dated my husband for two and a half years. Did I know he had such deep seeded rooted anger inside of him that would make him go out and buy a gun? NOPE.
Did I know because every g/f he had and even his fiancee cheated on him, that he would assume I would cheat on him and treated me accordingly, with lots of mistrust, controlling everyplace I went, saying I could not go out with my girlfriends, I could not have company over, etc., He had my head spinning because I couldn't figure out why he couldn't and didn't and wasn't trusting me.
Just goes to show: You never know a person until you live with them. Did he have any warning signs? It doesn't sound like it. Another question, if there were warning signs, would he have taken heed to them and ditched her? Probably not. See my point?
People who talk like a religious person and act like the devil, they are called hypocrites and are only fooling themselves and the one they marry. Sorry that happened to him, truly I am, I know how painful this stuff can be. Do you think he'll ever re-marry?
Replies: (list all replies)
I've known some couples that saved themselves for marriage (needless to say, they got married very quickly, lol!) and they have solid marriages. I've also known couples who lived together for years before marriage and still ended up divorcing.
People who wait til marriage tend to get married very young and I think that's often where the trouble starts. Many either don't have the maturity or don't know what to look for in a relationship. I don't think you need to wake up together or brush your teeth in the same room to know a person well. But you certainly should know their values, their attitudes, and whether they truly have respect for others. It sounds like the young woman in your example was pampered and immature and didn't have much regard for the fact that she shared her home with another person who didn't want to live in a mess. I would think those are things he could have seen beforehand if he paid attention. But who knows.
Replies: (list all replies)
Yrs ago in our town the "good" girl dated the sort of wild one. They married after college. They ended up divorcing because he couldn't get into his head the idea that sex with the "good" girl was ok now that they were married.
Good luck to your relative and hope the woman figures out what went wrong.
Replies: (list all replies)