Topic Posted by: Aussie Blinky
Date Posted: Tue Jun 16 0:05:01 2009
Additional Comments:
Please bare with me......
I've just cut off a friend. Someone I thought was a good friend.
It happened a week ago. She was going through a rough patch.. again...
I was there for her. Offered advice, comfort. Took her out to ball games, functions, even just a friday night at a local bar. I tried to give her sound advice when it came to men (about not sleeping with them too soon and getting to know them first) Obviously it's not what she wanted to hear. I tried to let her know that just sometimes things don't work out in relationships. This woman is 50 years old..
Oh bugger.. I can't stop crying. This has really upset me. I'm a loyal and devoted friend. She makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I would never ever deliberetly hurt anyone.
I have been so upset I've blocked her emails, blocked her from facebook and just this minute I've changed my mobile (cell) number.
Now I'm questioning there is something wrong with me.
I just feel so bloody hurt. So sad.....
Posted by: Silva Date posted: Sun Jun 21 0:23:10 2009
Message:
I read through all the replies and it sounds to me as though there's nothing wrong with you. I wonder if your friend is one of those women who are addicted to drama.
I had a similar situation and gave up a friendship of over 20 years. My friend married a man who was an alcoholic and a womanizer who was unfaithful to his wife with my friend; his wife divorced him and he married my friend. Things went bad very quickly. She obsessed over his behavior, followed him, taped his phone conversations, etc. They broke up, got back together, broke up, etc. My husband and I patiently listened to her talk and talk telling us all the horrible things her husband said and did. She even would play back the tapes where he was calling his girl friends. It was just awful. This went on for years. Finally my husband said that he just couldn't deal with it any longer; that wasn't the way he wanted to spend his weekends. She wanted me to write the guy a letter telling him off for treating her so badly. She called me at work to follow up on it and I told her I wasn't going to write such a letter. I gently and kindly talked to her about moving on, and how this had been going on for years, and how sad I was to see her completely obsessed with this guy. She turned on me in a fury; called me judgmental, and ended our friendship. After a year, she tried to reconnect but I wasn't interested. I was so sad for a very long time, but you know, eventually I acknowledged that I felt relieved.
So I've been there, and I know how badly you must feel, when you try and try to be supportive, but you see your friend repeat the same pattern over and over again. It is not your fault and you have done your best for her.
Posted by: nina Date posted: Thu Jun 18 8:41:38 2009
Message: It sounds to me like you've been a good friend, and there's nothing wrong with YOU. Your "friend" sounds like she has some issues. I'm the kind of friend that I always tell my friends what they need to hear, not what they WANT to hear. And I do it in a nice, gentle way, without being nasty or patronizing. That's what a true friend is supposed to do.
An aquaintance will tell you what you want to hear, a friend will tell you the truth. If you really care about someone, you try to be honest, and give them a little guidance here and there, when they need it. Of course, if you've given your opinion, and tried to help them, and they still keep making the same mistakes, it can get frustrating. At that point, I just stop giving advice, and listen to them rattling on about the same things over and over, because I've already told them what I think, and there's no point in beating a dead horse.
It can be very hard watching someone you care about self-destruct. I've been in that situation many times, with both family and friends. But you did the right thing in telling her your honest opinion. If your friend couldn't handle it, that says a lot about her. She's probably more angry at herself than she is at you, but you're an easy target, and it's convenient to have someone to lash out at when you're hurting.
I'm sorry you're going through so much pain, but maybe in time your friend will realize that you were only trying to help, because you genuinely care about her. If not, I'd say it's her loss, not yours. Hang in there, it will get better!
Posted by: Rose Bush Date posted: Wed Jun 17 0:18:54 2009
Message:
Slightly OT,
"...Took her out to ball games..."
Ummmmm...what do you mean? You either took her to the "footy", "league" or "the cricket" (or "soccer"). Unless Kevin Rudd has turned Queensland into an image of himself (ie, complete fakery), nobody I know uses the term "ball games" unless they are mimicing an American. Why not speak with your own voice here?
Posted by: Dixie Chick Date posted: Tue Jun 16 22:48:33 2009
Message:
I am so sorry and I can total relate to this, I have not severed the relationship with my best friend (or should I say used-to-be), but it will never be the same.
I should have done what you did, I am just delaying the inevitable.
Posted by: Zoe Date posted: Tue Jun 16 20:47:43 2009
Message: It sounds like you set a much-needed boundary with this person. The bummer about boundaries is that they don't like it much, and if you are a caring person, which you are; it hurts to see someone else hurt. In reality, when we come to a place where we need to set boundaries, we think they are for the other person, but they are really something we have to do for ourselves. We have to protect ourselves from ''soul-suckers''. I really think it is harder on us than it is on them most of the time. I have found that one of the biggest clues we have that a person has not hit bottom, or doesn't really want help, is when a boundary is set and they lash out and start pointing fingers at the person that has just given them hours, days, months or even years of being a concerned and caring friend.
Posted by: JEM Date posted: Tue Jun 16 17:11:46 2009
Message:
Dear Aussie,
Bless your heart that you have been such a good friend to this person. I can understand what you're going through...to be honest, I have just recently ended a relationship with someone too. It was a hard time in my life, and I won't get into it on this post, but I know how hard it is to have to cut someone out.
Please don't blame yourself. You did the best you could, you were the best friend that you could be, and she didn't appreciate it.
Like a post below, I only wish I could have a friend like you in my life!
In time, you'll feel better about your decisions and will feel lighter too without this burden.
Posted by: Buffy Date posted: Tue Jun 16 15:51:56 2009
Message: How lucky I could be to have a friend such as yourself. Someone to speak the truth nakedly without guise of self motives. I wish you were my friend.
Posted by: Donna7888 Date posted: Tue Jun 16 9:41:47 2009
Message:
Aussie, the only thing you said that indicated why you are hurt is this: She makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.
What does she do or say to you that makes you feel this way? Tell you why I'm asking....
Is she embarrassing you or insulting you to your face? in front of others? Is she berating you over the coals and telling you awful things about yourself?
HOW does she make you feel there is something wrong with you? Because I am sensing there is NOTHING wrong with you. Instead, there's everything wrong with her.
And because she's so insecure (just guessing she's insecure if she intimidates you this much) because she's so insecure she will put you down, insult you, make you feel like a nobody.
Your only way out of this is 2 ways: Discuss this with her in detail how you feel, give her specific examples of what she does to make you feel like there is something wrong with you.
If she listens and changes, good. Stay friends with her.
If she doesn't listen and doesn't make changes - get away from her as fast and quickly as you can. Or else she will continue this behavior unless it is addressed and she is willing to change.
What is she doing that she's making you feel there is something wrong with you? My guess is there is NOTHING wrong with you...my guess is that she's insecure and belittles you to make herself feel better than you or better than others - this is sick behavior. Get away from her but I would write her a note telling her what she did wrong and give specific examples.
Posted by: LISA K Date posted: Tue Jun 16 8:03:06 2009
Message: Oh I am sorry~ There is only so much you can do for some people and also some times it's just time to part ways~ you have to take care of you.
Posted by: Mz Chris Date posted: Tue Jun 16 1:36:22 2009
Message: I am so sorry you are going thru this. There is nothing wrong with you. It sounds like this is not the first time you have been down this road with her. You can't fix it for her, she doesn't even want you to try. It sounds like she just wants you to commsierate on her misery d'jour, and you deserve better than that. You are a good friend, but friends don't sign up to go thru that type of scenario over and over, watching someone make the same bad choices over and over again and never learn anything from them. I know it is hard and it hurts, but I think you made the right choice for you. And no, that is not a selfish thing, it is a self preservation thing.
