DOOL Discussion Group -- Bureaucracy of adopting

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Topic: Bureaucracy of adopting

Topic Posted by: Lisa P
Date Posted: Wed Aug 27 13:50:13 2008
Additional Comments: I tell ya, I am about ready to pull my hair out!
Okay, so hubby and I came across an older girl (she is 11) here in the U.S. Her mother died from Cancer, she is the only child and dad is not a resource for her. She has no other living relatives to take her in. Her only problem is she is really an orphan. Her issues are grief from sudden loss (what I deal with every day). I know a lot of counselors in this field who can work with her given what I do. She is getting good grades in school, is well-behaved, love animals, etc. Hubby and I feel she is a perfect fit for our family. We are not giving up on our Bulgarian adoption, but this girl needs a home and needs one now. We can provide her that home.
Okay, so you think after having a home-study, classes, and everything else we can adopt her right? WRONG!!!!
She is in the foster care system. That is a ENTIRELY different obstacle course one must take.
We need a "domestic home-study." I guess the person who came for 8 hours and checked out our home before was not enough.
We need new classes that require us to spend 4 Saturdays from 9-5 the entire month of September to teach us more about what we already know? I know, because I have been to this classes along time ago when I used to babysit kids in foster care. They are going to go over all of the same stuff we have learned, but it is the necessary evil the state requires.
So, if any of you would like to send some positive thoughts, prayers, what have you our way we should could use them.
The girl's name is Devyn (I know a bit different for a girl :-) In the meantime, we are hoping she does not get bounced to another foster home before we are done with this bureaucracy and that she is still available to be adopted.
This is a rant, but I have no time for a recipe :(((
Thanks for listening.

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Posted by: DING
Date posted: Thu Aug 28 12:11:59 2008
Message:

All I know for sure is that Devyn would have a wonderful home with you & Chris! I hope it works out - for her sake as well as yours!

I know the adoptive system can be a real *pain* sometimes. It's actually getting HARDER to adopt a child in today's world, while most of the time that passes is just wasted! It's a wonder any child ever finds a home - but I am definitely sending out good vibes to you RIGHT now!

Replies: (list all replies)

Thanks Ding. I just hope it all works out for her. That is what is the most important. Lisa P

Posted by: bella tx
Date posted: Thu Aug 28 11:37:24 2008
Message:

You are amazing, Lisa!!! I sure hope this works out for you three!! I'll keep my fingers crossed and send out prayers!

We really want to adopt a baby or toddler. If we didn't have a child I would probably go with a 5 year old or older, but I want to keep the age close to Colin's (2 1/2). I am starting to think the foster system is the best way to go right now. Great news below about finding a faster way to do this!!!

Replies: (list all replies)

You are very sweet. I don't feel amazing at all. I just want to be a mom. Thanks for the well wishes. I'll keep you guys posted. Lisa P

Posted by: Nancy
Date posted: Thu Aug 28 10:28:17 2008
Message:
Ah, Lisa, I know this is difficult, but try not to be frustrated. Probably this seemingly duplicate work exists due to problems in the past. You and your husband are doing many wonderful things and you will (eventually) be rewarded. Good luck.

Replies: (list all replies)

I agree, and we are not quitters :-) Lisa P

Posted by: enjee
Date posted: Thu Aug 28 10:24:54 2008
Message:

You must be frustrated beyond belief. Here you have done all the necessary things and it's still not enough. Let's not forget to mention all these babies who are born to people who have no business having them. That is what really frustrates me. So many people who want children so badly can't have them or have to go through fertility treatments or go through the rigamarole of the adoption process, like you. Then the next people who couldn't care less about their children pop them out left and right. Something stinks.

Sigh. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out for you.

Replies: (list all replies)

I know, I hear about these kids living in homes with meth addicted parents or worse and we can't get one kid. Lisa P

Posted by: RK
Date posted: Thu Aug 28 10:00:28 2008
Message:

Your tax dollars at work. Think of how much could be saved by combining those two systems into one.

But anyway, once you get through the hassle, it will all be worth it. Not many are willing to adopt a child of that age. Good for you, and good luck!

Replies: (list all replies)

Actually, the first girl we were looking at was actually 15 going on 16 and she was placed. This girl has two people already interested in her. We are finding that the age thing is not necessarily a deal breaker like we had thought too. Lisa P

Posted by: Sephora
Date posted: Thu Aug 28 9:14:26 2008
Message:
Devyn is such a pretty name! I will be sending lots of good thoughts your way so that this works out as soon as possible. It's a shame to have to go through all this red tape when you know what a good home and parents you are offering this little girl. She will be blessed for sure, you all will be. But does this mean...you aren't pursuing the other adoption? Or would you do both?

Replies: (list all replies)

We have not given up on the other one. It's going to go something like this. If things workout with this 11 year old and we feel our family is complete than we'll stop. However, if Devyn wants a younger sister, and we get a call shortly after Devyn would come home than we would continue with it. I guess time will tell. Lisa P

Posted by: Tina
Date posted: Thu Aug 28 9:01:28 2008
Message:

My parents ended up adopting their nephews. But first they had to be approved as Foster Parents. It was quite a process. But I don't think they had to go to those classes. (They might should have - don't tell my mom I said that!) They were their foster parents for 1-2 years and then officially adopted them. They were able to continue to receive Medicaid for the boys (until age 18) and monthly $. I think the system was trying to offer "incentives" to get people to move from foster care to adoption.

Anyway - good luck with the process. I have an 11 year old daughter. She is fabulous and still loves me at this point! I know those dreaded teenage years and hormones are right around the corner and soon she won't be so eager to hang out with me anymore!

She just got braces yesterday.

Replies: (list all replies)

This little girl will need braces too. A lot of kids at that age do. We don't care about any monthly money. We are just hoping to adopt her. Lisa P

Posted by: auntie en
Date posted: Thu Aug 28 8:51:42 2008
Message:

aww!! I didn't even know this was on your radar. How exciting. You know, my twins are 11 now and it is a great age. They definitely need a woman for support and advice as they are starting the fast track to growing up themselves. We can bond over High School Musical overload and which Jonas Brother is the cutest! LOL. My daughters had a slumber party last week with 8 11 year old girls at my house, and it was fun. They are still young enough they have goofy fun and aren't competing for boys or comparing looks and judging each other yet, so they all just had a good time. But they are old enough you can set out snacks and a movie and they can take care of all the details themselves.

I was happy to read the update below that there is a faster way to do this. Best of luck and I will be praying everything goes well!

Replies: (list all replies)

You were one of the first people I thought of. If she did come here to be our daughter you'll be hearing from me :-)) Lisa P

Posted by: LISA K
Date posted: Thu Aug 28 7:35:51 2008
Message:

Oh Lisa I hope it goes smoothe. I know its a pain in tha ass to go through again but hell, it's better than childbirth!

LOL * kisses*

Replies: (list all replies)

LOL!!! That is funny :-) Thanks for the smile. Lisa P

Posted by: Becks
Date posted: Thu Aug 28 0:00:26 2008
Message:

Completely asinine, but that’s our government hard at work. I agree with the others below who suggest you look into being her foster parent first. I’m sure you’ll pass any tests with flying colors, and Devyn will be the luckiest little girl in Seattle. Good luck, and you all will be in my prayers.

Replies: (list all replies)

Thanks, we are hanging in there. Lisa P

Posted by: CJ
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 23:51:27 2008
Message:

You, Chris & Devyn are certainly in my prayers. There will not only be light at the end of the tunnel, but also a beautiful rainbow.

I will post a recipe for you.

2 Hearts full of love
2 cups of joy
2 heaping cups of kindness
2 big hearts full of forgiveness
2 armfuls of gentleness
1 lifetime of togetherness
2 cups of friendship
2 minds full of tenderness
Stir daily with happiness, humor and patience. Serve with warmth, compassion, respect and loyalty.

Replies: (list all replies)

LOVE the recipe. I may print it out :-)) Lisa P

Posted by: Mandy
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 22:11:52 2008
Message:
Still praying here, it is absurd but that is just a part of this inept system these poor kids are stuck in. Hang in there :)

Replies: (list all replies)

Thanks for all of your support. Lisa P

Posted by: Mel
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 21:23:54 2008
Message:
I sympathize with the hoops you have to jump through, but OMG, this girl will be so blessed if you become her parents. I'm sending all my positive thoughts to you, your husband and Devyn.

Replies: (list all replies)

I feel we would be so lucky to have her. We'll see what happens. Thanks :-) Lisa P

Posted by: Kat
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 20:46:38 2008
Message:
Lisa, her name is beautiful. I'm sending you and Chris prayers and good vibes and all the happy wishes I can send north.

Replies: (list all replies)

Thanks Kat :-)) Lisa P

Posted by: passionsjunkie
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 19:41:46 2008
Message:

She's 11.... unfortunately for a lot of kids, that is not usually a "desirable" age, meaning they usually take longer to be adopted. In your case, that's a plus! I'm betting you're fine, time-wise.

Second, have you thought about asking if you can be approved as foster parents, just until the adoption could be finalized? I'm wondering if you could get that done faster, and get her in your home, and then get the rest of the stuff done.

Finally, the bureaucracy sucks..... but it sounds like you could have it all done in a month. As busy as you'll be, the time will fly by. In the meantime, see how much visitation you could get with her. It might be a blessing in disguise, giving her time to digest the news that a couple wants to adopt her, and letting her get ready for the change.

Replies: (list all replies)

Oh, that was me. I forgot to edit. eom emmy

Thanks emmy, they won't let you see her or talk about her until you finish what they want from you. It's okay. We are just going to do what we need to do. Lisa P

Posted by: Wendy
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 18:41:44 2008
Message:
Sounds like you already have a big love in your heart this girl. So, annoying as all get out, do what you have to do. Think of how happy Devyn (pretty name) will feel when someday as a only child she will become a big sister!

I dont know the rules/regs in your state but,is it possible you could be the foster parents for this child, thus being able to adopt quicker. I have friends that were foster parents for 3 younger children and they ended up adopting them all pretty quickly.

Replies: (list all replies)

Yes, we have to foster her first, because even though she has no other relatives that can take her there is paperwork that makes her not legally free yet. Lisa P

Posted by: sam
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 18:13:31 2008
Message:
You know how the government is, one hand doesn't know what the other is doing. Good luck, I have a feeling it will work out for all 3 of you.

Replies: (list all replies)

Thanks Sam :-) Lisa P

Posted by: Carissa
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 18:12:32 2008
Message:

Our state foster care system is a joke and a disaster; kids are placed in homes with convicted felons! Despite all the red tape, and there are many requirements just as you mentioned, some awful foster parents still make it through the system.

Devyn sounds like she will be worth the trouble, though. It does sound ridiculous to have to go to all those classes, ITA.

Replies: (list all replies)

See, that is the part I don't get. How do these felons get the kids? I mean we are having to give blood just about and we still don't have a kid? I don't mind the classes if we had not taken some already. It's just sort of funny to redo for the U.S what you did for international. Lisa P

Posted by: bad dog
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 17:48:47 2008
Message:

In our state you can get liscensed as a foster home quicker than you can adopt. So they have you do a ''fost-adopt'', get qualified as a foster home, and become her foster parents until you can adopt her. In our classes one couple already had a relationship with an older child, and they worked it out so while they were taking the classes they started the transition of weekend visits and stuff, and before the end of the classes she was living with them already.

If you work with a good adoption agency they can be your advocate with the state and work things like that out that you couldn't on your own. Here once your adoption is final the state refunds all the fees you paid for classes and the agency and everything when you adopt a des child. If worse comes to worse don't panic, I am sure she will still be waiting for you. There are not waiting lists of people searching for 11 year olds. A social worker who really cares for the kids (and they all don't) would be thrilled to help expedite a home for an older child.

Replies: (list all replies)

Our lovely state will not talk to you about her or let you see her until you have done everything and then there is more red tape. It's okay, we are up for the challenge. Lisa P

Posted by: susienews
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 17:39:10 2008
Message:
You and Mr. P are amazing! Sending prayers that everything will go smoothly and QUICKLY and that Devyn will be a part of a family again ASAP.

Replies: (list all replies)

Ditto. Love, Elizabeth

We'll see what happens. Thanks :-) Lisa P

Posted by: Catrin
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 16:52:56 2008
Message:

Lisa P, it will happen. I know the system exists for a reason but how frustrating. I have heard of children getting stuck in the system until they were too old to adopt. And the number of kids in foster homes is staggering but they would be in worse places without it. The system could be improved,however, IMO.

Now, as annoying as this woman may be, I have heard Rosie O'Donnell talk about her organization that works on getting kids out from under foster care. I think it is called AdoptKidsUSA or something like that. But if you're interested I'm sure you could look up her website to find out more. I'm sure you already know way more than I about this.

Devyn is a beautiful name. She is very fortunate to be getting some special parents (and a little sister, too)! Blessings to you and your hubby!!

Replies: (list all replies)

Thanks, I talked to this place. They were not helpful at all. They just said a Social Worker will call you in 3 days. I guess you need to be famous. LOL!!! Lisa P

Posted by: fuzzwuzz
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 16:21:26 2008
Message:
My son's girlfriend has an 11 year old girl so I know the age. I cannot imagine how hard it has to be for that poor girl! So, at least a month before the wheels really start rolling? Yes, they are making you jump through hoops and it's sad for the child. I, too, think they could have looked at all the screenings you've just went through and your education and make some concessions!!! Red tape stinks!

Replies: (list all replies)

I do not know anything about 11 year olds so if this happens I am going to need some pointers :-)) Lisa P

It's a super wonderful age, especially with a girl!! They are curious yet smart about the world! No diapers!!! I LOVE eleven year old girls!!!! This one may be more sensitive than your average eleven year old but with love, she'll blossom, I'm sure!!! eom fuzzwuzz

Posted by: cgeminime2
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 16:19:59 2008
Message:
Aw, Lisa, that is simply ridiculous. I hope after you complete the classes, you will have this little girl home with you..before Christmas! What a great Christmas present that would be : )

Replies: (list all replies)

Thanks, we have some updated news. HubbyP found a class that starts next week and you can finish it in 4 days. So, we can at least not wait another entire month. It bothers me she is in a home that much longer that is not a forever family. Lisa P

Posted by: Bonk5
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 16:09:31 2008
Message:
Lisa, if this is in your heart to do, then I know it will happen for you. My cousin adopted a child from foster care. She was placed in her home first as a foster child. Is this something you can do first before an adoption. During that time the father had no rights, the mother had issues and took awhile but the court took away the bio mothers rights, but this child had Grandparents. They were trying to see and perhaps take in the child. But they the Grandparents had their own problems and were not right. During the foster care stage, my cousin would have to take the little girl (around 2 then) to a place so the grandparents could see her.

Sounds like this girl does not have these issues. Well after over 2 years they were finally able to adopt! During the foster care stage, the state helps with the care so they got some money monthly.
The poor little girl how hard this must be. Would she sitll be able to go to the same school? It will be good for her to live with you bc you do the grief stuff. I hope it all works out soon!

Replies: (list all replies)

No, she won't go to the same school. She is in Oregon. I am sure that will be hard, but I think having a *forever family* is more important from reading her bio. Lisa P

Posted by: Blondie
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 15:51:54 2008
Message:

Oh God bless you, LisaP, for what you're trying to do. What a savior you will be to this girl, and who knows how many others.

Go through the motions...it IS a big deal. You're a wonderful person.

Replies: (list all replies)

I just feel like goofy old me. I hope so much in my heart she can come home to us, but I don't want to get too attached. Lisa P

Posted by: Traci
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 15:32:02 2008
Message:

Oh, I think that's wonderful that you have decided to get Devin! I remember you posting about her before, and you weren't sure. She's going to be so lucky to have you one day.

I'm sorry you have to go through so much crap though!! I hope it doesn't take too long so that she doesn't have to go through too much more pain before she comes home to you.

Replies: (list all replies)

Sorry, ''Devyn'' -- I hate when people mispell my name, so I don't like to do that to others either. :) -- Traci

Well, I decided I was being chicken and for what? She is an 11 year old girl, not a monster. Besides, I have had to deal with my own ghosts over the years. I feel we can do this. Lisa P

Posted by: ingyandbert
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 15:12:09 2008
Message:
Well, look at it this way: at least the state is not simply handing the kids out to just anybody. I know it's a pain to go through all that when you already know all the information but it's good to know prospective parents are required to learn some things and show some commitment to the process. BTW, I think Devyn is a beautiful name. I hope it works out for all of you, Lisa.

Replies: (list all replies)

ITA, and I knew someone would bring this up. It's just funny when a doctor did your home-study and was here for 8 hours and you paid good money, but the state wants a new one. I just find it silly thats all. Lisa P

Posted by: Nicki
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 15:02:20 2008
Message:
Lisa, you are in my thoughts....I hope all will go well and Devyn (beautiful name!) would have a fantastic home with you guys. It sucks that adoption is so hard and there are so many avenues to cross.

Replies: (list all replies)

Thanks so much :-) Lisa P

Posted by: AngD
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 14:45:06 2008
Message:
I'm praying for you!!!!

Replies: (list all replies)

Thanks so much :-) Lisa P

Posted by: sandy
Date posted: Wed Aug 27 14:24:21 2008
Message:
Be very cautious.

Replies: (list all replies)

Ya think? We know what we are getting into :-) Lisa P

I'll e-mail you.~~sandy

Check your e-mail : ) sandy

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