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DOOL Discussion Group
Sorry if you're tired of hearing my friends situation, but I just needed to get this off my chest. My friend [Shelly] came by yesterday and she mentioned [Ami]. Actually, I forgot what we were talking about, but I went on being a bit angry and then I got emotional. I haven't cried in front of Shelly about friends before (only about guys), so she's siding with me now because she'd heard both sides.
A little background: Ami got married last October. I was one of her bridesmaid. In January we went out to celebrate a friend's 30th birthday and she ignored me the whole time (not purposely, I was just invisible to her). I got upset and wrote her a long email telling her off kinda and also saying I miss her because my emotions have been building to the time since she first started dating her now husband. I never got to know him really. Just one day heard her call me up saying, "Would you be my bridesmaid?"
So I talked to Shelly about it again and she said, "Ami was never really close to anyone." Which meant that Ami told Shelly why the heck is Cricket freaking out when our friendship wasn't even close. My question is, would you call this a close friendship?
1) Before she met her husband, every guy she dated she would call me about and I'd listen to her go on and on and on and on about it till very late at night.
2) When I'd go to her house we'd sit in her room for hours talking about everything. She'd show me stuff, etc.
3) When she failed her Writing Proficiency Exam 10 times (required for graduation) she asked if I could go in her place (since we look pretty similar - I said no of course b/c I wouldn't want to risk it for both of us - English is her 2nd language.)
4) When my job was closer to her house, she'd drive to my workplace, tell me to come out to the parking lot and help her choose a Coach purse that she just bought - I didn't mind. I always laughed at her silliness.
5) Back when I use to call her house a lot, I'd speak in weird Vietnamese and her family would playfully make fun of me.
6) At her wedding, all of her family knew only me (as her friend) and said, "You're next, Cricket."
7) When she was saying depressing stuff like, "I want to kill myself," she had called me up to say it. She even called me when I was suicidal as well.
8) When her family was freaking out about her illness (don't know whatever happened to it - perhaps she was misdiagnosed), she said she couldn't stand them crying all the time and ran to my house to spend the night.
9) Her instant messenger screenname included mine and her name on it.
10) When she said she didn't have anyone to walk with during commencement, I delayed my year just to walk with her (big mistake - should've walked with my so-called best friend, Shelly, my then bf and our other friend).
And for Ami to tell Shelly that I never had a close friendship with her (Ami) hurted me.
Ami never responded to my email and that was since January. She will turn 30 in June. I will mail a card to her parent's house.
Send the birthday card.
A couple of things. Like others have mentioned, sometimes people and friendships change after marriage. So that is a possibility.
You said that she ignored you at that one function and acted like you weren't even there. Did you acknowledge her? Not like wave at her from a distance or did you get right there next to her and say hi? Maybe she thought you were ignoring her. From her perspective, maybe she thinks you are the one who changed and distant after she got engaged.
Another thing is, you seem miffed that she hasn't responded to your e-mail from January. You wrote her while you were hurt and angry telling her off. If I received an e-mail like that I might not know how to respond to that person and simply write off that friendship. Honestly, if she received a long rambling venomous e-mail telling her off because you have been holding back emotions for many months, did you honestly expect her to call you and beg forgiveness? She was pissed right back at you.
There is an expression "least said, soonest mended." You can't take back what you wrote. You wrote it. It's out there. Her writing off the remainder of your friendship is the result of what you wrote in hurt and anger. If you said nothing while your feelings were raw and then simply said something to her like "you seem distant towards me lately. Why?" you might have received a clearer response and may have been able to renew the friendship.
You said that your friend Shelly said that Ami isn't close to anyone. You are reading a lot into Shelly's statement. Shelly made a general comment about Ami. It doesn't necessarily mean that Ami said this specifically about not feeling close to anyone. Shelly made an observation about Ami.
And it is possible that this is a general characteristic about Ami. Some people are like that. It isn't good or bad. And it doesn't mean that Ami never enjoyed your friendship. It might just mean that Ami is Ami and doesn't have an extremely deep bond with anyone...even her close friends.
Your description of Ami was that she was more of a user in your friendship. So, she probably is one of those people who enjoys friends while they are in their life and moves on to other friends easily when her life changes.
Even though that hurts, that is life. So, enjoy the memories that you have of your time with Ami and enjoy catching up with her when your paths meet. It doesn't diminish the friendship that you had with her before she was married.
And it would help you a lot if you stopped wearing your heart on your sleeve.
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Dear, you mentioned all kinds of wonderful things that Ami allowed you to do for her; but you left off the list of things SHE did for YOU.
To answer your question: Just going only by what you listed, it seems that the friendship was close at one time, though a bit lopsided. YOU were certainly a friend to her. Ami may have simply replaced you with her husband-which is not that unusual. Not everyone can maintain their friendships with their friends (especially their unmarried friends) after they wed.
Don't let it depress or overly concern you. You are young and will go through many friendshipa and retain many others. Life changes, people change-but a person who has such a capacity to be a friend as you do will make good friends in life.
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Like others say, when someone marries, its hard to keep single friends around. Some women, I am not saying, Ami, think the single friend might be after the husband. I am sad too, when I think of my good friend, LA, who I drove around with and went to bars and danced all night long,it has changed. I got married and had kids, she was married no kids and got divorce. She is way too hyper for me now days. But when we were young it was great. So I changed, she didn't, the friendship changed. Yet, we can email or she will stop by my shop and we talk about the old days and have a good laugh. But I could not be around her all the time like I used to.
So things changed. You guys were close, but she sounds like a user person. I think you need to cleanse yourself and get rid of that negativity she sends your way. Send the card, but thats it. No more emails unless she contacts you first.
I bet anything, tho, is she is having problems in her life or marriage she will try to talk to you. Put your foot down and say you don't have time. She can not contuine to use you!
Cricket open up your horizon, step out of your comfort zone and meet new people of all walks of life, all kinds of people. Have a positive attitude, laugh and have fun. You will see how many new friends you will make! Take care!
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Cricket,
I'm sorry you are feeling bad. Friendship are always strained with major life changes like finding a significant other, marriage, children, etc.
My advice to you is: Be a good friend. Call, give of yourself, love and listen. Don't expect much from your friends and you will only be pleasantly surprised instead of disappointed.
Nicky
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Cricket, it really doesn't matter what Shelly said. She could have her own reasons for saying what she did, or you may be interpreting her words differently than she meant them.
Bottom line...you believe the friendship to be over. Can you think of anything possible about this relationship over the last year? I'm guessing that would be a no...
Let it go. The difference may be that she is married now. Your reaction to her may be very different, too, although you may not see it. After my wedding, I lost a very good friend who I kept on trying to reach out to. She believed our lives were very different, apparently...I didn't see how that would affect our friendship, since we weren't roommates, but whatever. It was over.
Move on. You'll be happier for it.
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cricket, i'm sorry you are going thru this. sometimes girls just suck. now don't automatically think that ami told shelley about the situation. shelly may have some insight and was trying to make you realize that ami hasn't really been a friend to anyone, including you and including shelly.
don't read too much into why shelly said that but shelly maybe more intuitive than you think. she sees you hurting and so upset over a supposedly close friend and she basically told you something you didn't realize. think about it..at ami's wedding her family only knew you as a bridesmaid? my mom knew each girl i had in there, as did my husband.
you may have been ami's only *convenient* friend but you are a friend. you are HER friend. unfortunately the feeling is not mutual. could be just the way she is and not anything against you.
i wish you well and i hope you find some peace in all this.
***HUGS)))
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