ATWT Discussion Group -- Speaking of facebook.....

ATWT Discussion Group

Topic: Speaking of facebook.....

Topic Posted by: Roxie
Date Posted: Wed Jan 20 23:26:11 2010
Additional Comments: Has anyone had an old flame look you up? I had this happen the other day. My old boyfriend from 20 years ago tracked me down on facebook. I told my husband and he was not at all happy about this! He told me point blank that he did NOT want me writing to him at all. Now of course I want to write and catch up on 20 years. I see nothing whatsoever wrong with it. I wish now I had kept my mouth shut and not shared with hubby. Men can be so silly! We've been married for 17 years, good grief! Would I be horrible if I wrote to Mr Wrong anyway?

Posted by: Roxie
Date posted: Sat Jan 23 18:19:25 2010
Message:

Thanks for your posts and opinions. mm, I guess you're the only one who has had this happen and I did what you did, lol. And Dolphina, heck yeah! I'm not one to take orders from hubby or anyone else (except my boss, of course). The fact that he had the nerve to FORBID me to correspond with him just made matters worse!

Anyway...I did exchange a couple of emails to catch up on what has been going on in our lives for the past 20 years. After catching up there is really nothing else to say. I don't care to have any type of ongoing correspondence. I was just curious. He was in his 20's and headed down a bad path with alcohol and drugs back then and I wanted to know if he had his life together and turned things around. He wrote me about his battles and his road to recovery and where his life is now. I feel better knowing that. We lived together for a couple of years. I have wondered over the years if he was even still alive. I feel no guilt for doing this. But I do hope hubby doesn't find out. I don't want to hear it!

PS. I wouldn't care a bit if Mr Roxie emailed an old girlfriend!

Replies: (list all replies)

Rox, you contradicted yourself here. In the OP you said Mr. Roxie did not want you to contact him, and in your followup you said he FORBID you to contact him. Big diff! I would definitely consider his feelings if he didn't WANT me to, and probably wouldn't do it. But if he forbid me to, it would be a nobrainer! (What did Pappy used to call me? Contrary???) fee

His words were ''you're not going to write to him''. I think that means he did not want me to, right? Maybe in my OP I may have underemphasized his reaction. Roxie

Posted by: Suellen
Date posted: Thu Jan 21 20:53:40 2010
Message:
Just a suggestion- maybe your husband could respond to this guy on FB and tell him it would be fruitless to get in contact with your wife. You could add a PS saying you agree with your husband's comment. Personally I would contact anyone I wanted to telling my husband I did because I feel completely confident in my relationship.

Replies: (list all replies)

Why would Roxie want to handle it that way? She DOES want to renew acquaintance with her old friend/boyfriend and catch up on the last 20 years of gossip. Letting her husband intervene like a caveman to drive him away isn't what she wants at all. If she decides to cut off contact, she's perfectly capable of handling it herself. eom/D

Posted by: claire
Date posted: Thu Jan 21 7:42:22 2010
Message:
Personally, I would not do it. You love your husband and I'm sure you would not want to upset him, or sneak behind his back. Just think if it was the other way around. You have to ask yourself how you honestly would feel about that. To me...it's just not worth it.

Posted by: dolphina
Date posted: Thu Jan 21 2:22:13 2010
Message:
I don't know about you, but I've heard a surprising number of stories about marriages that were ruined or at least damaged due to romantic attachments formed online. I even know a few people who've been involved in these situations. Maybe your husband has heard stories like this too, and that's why he's worried. But really - I'm sure for every time something like that happens, there are thousands of times it doesn't happen.

Whatever his reason, I would object strenuously to a husband giving me orders about what I can or cannot do. I'll bet you don't treat him that way. He's your husband, not your father or your boss.

You have several options. You could....

* Go ahead and do it behind his back, if you can live with that, keeping in mind that he could possibly find out

* Tell him to quit being such a jerk, you're a grown woman capable of making your own decisions

* Tell him you're going to catch up with your old friend and he's welcome to read your correspondence if he wants to

* Respect his wishes, regardless of how silly it seems to you

I hope you'll let us know!

Replies: (list all replies)

Dolphina...I personally know someone who broke up his 32 year old marriage in this same manner. It is not uncommon.

I know three marriages that were affected by situations like this. One is my dopey step-son, who got involved with a married woman in Australia in a chat room. She left her husband, my step-son moved to Australia, and they're still together ten years later. Incredible! A married woman I know met someone the same way and it nearly broke up her marriage, but her husband persevered and they worked things out over a couple of years. Still, very bad situation. Another married woman I know left her husband after reconnecting with an old boyfriend online. However, I know more people who had affairs that began in more *conventional* ways and I also know lots and lots of people who've made online connections, either with old flames or with new friends, that remained perfectly innocent and harmless. eom/D

Posted by: maggimae
Date posted: Thu Jan 21 0:04:45 2010
Message:
Well, as I said, I've connected with an old boyfriend on Facebook, but haven't corresponded with him privately and don't intend to. Several years ago, I googled one of my very first serious boyfriends. I knew he was an attorney in Florida. I found an email address for him. I sent him an email and we wrote back and forth a couple of times. I never told my husband and decided it was not a good idea to continue the correspondence.