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All My Children Discussion Group
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman, sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter....
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing t here's a
little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the "curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my
body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to
call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills". Isn't the human body
amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's t esticles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told
her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling,
laughing, happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did
it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there
will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which y ou have to jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just
so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting
rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bulls**t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always....
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
As a woman with fibroids and heavy bleeding, all that I can say is "bleep, bleep, bleep" LOL.
Replies: (list all replies)
Classic. Motrin and Kahlua?? An inbred hillbilly with knife skills?? Hilarious!!