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All My Children Discussion Group
My question - If your husband had an affair that produced a child, do you think you could ever agree to let him get to know that child?
How about when that child leaves his Mother's home for college?
Now to answer your question from the beginning. If I found out my husband was cheating on me I'd divorce him. If I found out the result was a child. I'd divorce him faster.
It would be his responsibility to be involved in his child's life and also financially. If he abondoned the child like he has to our son. Then to hell with him.
Guess what! My ex's sister emailed my son telling him that his father is 95% deaf. Retribution? I'd say so.
Regina, you have obviously done an amazing job of rearing your young man, and his successes in life can be attributed to your parenting and his good character.
Your greatest concern, naturally, is for your son's happiness and peace of mind. I understand your fear over what may come when he returns home this summer, but, I believe, at the age your son is now, it is out of your hands. Your son is now a man, and if he wishes to try to forge a relationship with his father, he will. There is the hope that he has spent the year mulling over his options, and has decided against any further action. If that is not the case, you can advise him that you think the matter should be left to rest, and you can caution him that he may cause more pain for himself, and all concerned, but, in the end, it truly is his decision, and his right. Though his father may not deserve a second chance with the child he deserted, and could very well waste the opportunity, your son deserves to follow his heart, even at the risk of that heart getting broken. As a mother myself, I understand how protective you feel towards your son, and that you would do anything to save him from any type of pain, but the greatest difficulty we face as parents is in watching our children do what they feel they must. You can be there for him if and when he needs your comfort, but keep in mind that he may be successful, and that might be a dream that he may not be ready to let go of yet.
My heart goes out to you, Regina. I wish you and your son the best, and all of the happiness that you both deserve.
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This is a similar story, yet not like yours. My cousin, who is dear to me, had 2 children by a man I'll call Gus. Gus was/is in the service and gradually became an alcoholic. While Cousin and Gus were married they had 2 beautiful children. When the baby was about 6 months old, Gus nearly drowned while drunk and Cousin couldn't take the drama of it all and left him. This was after many repeated attempts at getting him to AA, etc. Flash forward to the kids at 8 and 10. Gus was remarried and stationed in Germany. The divorce/custody agreement called for $250 a month child support (total for both) and one yearly visit (because he was always overseas.) Gus managed to avoid 90% of the child support, even tho the military was always bragging about how they force their service men to support their children, they would not garnish his wages. At 8 & 10, they got their first chance to see their dad. They stayed one month, in Germany, with dad and nuWife. NuWife had a "problem" with kids, even tho she had some herself that were grown. Before the kids came home, he sat them down and told them that there would be no more trips for them to see each other. NuWife was his wife now and it was a choice that he choose her or them. He said, "I know that you two will grow up and leave, so I would be alone. If I divorce NuWife, she'll get 50% of my military retirement." It was a crushing blow. He even told their mother this over the phone and that he had told them this. He has never seen them since. They have talked on the phone, but it's been years. He went thru the town they lived in on the way to NuWife's hometown, but they never stopped. Gus' mother told them that "he didn't have time to stop and see you."
They have graduated high school, college and graduate school. One of them is married and just had a baby. Gus doesn't know any of this and doesn't care. The last communication he had with them is when he willingly signed over his rights as a parent when the youngest was 14. She wanted to change her name to her step-dad's, the only father she has ever known. The boy, the older one, didn't want to change his name. Even thru all this rejection, his non-existence in the boy's life, the boy still has hope that Gus will show up one day and want him. I tell you, it's disgusting. I wish I had the guts to find Gus and string him up. But Gus has missed some unbelievably beautiful children because he didn't want his wife to divorce him. Ba$turd. So, yes, a wife, NuWife, whatever, can be extremely selfish and vicious. I haven't even scratched the surface on what NuWife said and did because in the end, she doesn't matter an iota to me. But the fact that their father was so non-chalant about giving up his kids just makes me sick. And the fact that he would do it because a woman made him do it is even worse.
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Thank you all for your imput. I've gained some insight but even more importantly, some valuable advice.
To tell you a little more about the situation (I can do this because I am faceless to you). We worked together in a manufacturing setting. We became good friends mainly due to the fact that everyone else was wild and loose and we were not.
I never found him physically attractive (he was of a different race but the truth was he was not very handsome). After years of conversations and connecting on different levels though I realized that I had fallen in love. I told him and told him that I understood if he felt we shouldn't be friends anymore. Looking back, I have to admit that I already had strong indications that he had fallen for me as well.
We began an intimate relationship with the understanding that it was never going to go any further than an affair. Three years later I found I was pregnant. Our relationship was 90% via telephone and limited conversations at work because my son came first and raising an infant alone while doing physical labor on the night shift took almost everything I had.
A year later I lost my job for missing too much time. My son suffered frequent ear infections along with the normal colds and stuff. I had a few thousand saved and we lived on that but medical costs (just office visits and prescriptions) was eating it up. He needed surgery for myring tubes for his ears.
I had to file for medicaid and aid for dependant children. Surgery went well. The assistance kept us afloat and I felt like I could begin job hunting. Along comes the State and declares that if I do not name the Father and give his location then my assistance would be cut by half.
They went after him and his wife found out. He and his wife took me to court to have the child support that the DCS set reduced. It was horrible. I was so humilitated and ashamed that I did not counter anything and asked the Judge to decide what was fair. He actually ruled for a few dollars more a month than was already set. They had two boys who were teens at time and two incomes.
Then the phone calls and letters asking me to send part of the money back to them each week. I did for a few months until I ran into a 25% rent increase as well as now needing to pay day care while I worked. He promised that he would work on trying to a part of our son's life but that there was something else he had to take care of first.
We never spoke again. I never stopped the child support even after the State was no longer an issue but I never took him back for an increase over the years nor did I ever send him a bill for half of the uncovered medical costs as was spelled out in the court papers.
When my son asked, and he started that before he started kindergarten, I tried my best to explain the situation and to tell him that his Dad could not see him because of his family. I tried to make sure that he didn't wind up thinking that it was because of him or me. But while I fully understood the pain that we had caused his wife and the reasons he might have to keep distance from his son, it is not the easiest thing to make a child understand.
He had friends who were picked up at the curb by their Fathers and go off to spend time with them and he couldn't understand why this could not be him and his father. He began to think it must be that his father just didn't care about him. We worked through most of that once he entered high school I thought it was all behind him.
He sent a graduation invitation to his father thinking that now that he was grown and about to leave for college they could finally meet.
His father sent him a $100.00 check with an unsigned card. It came in the mail just a couple of hours before we were leaving to go to the ceremony. It really hit him hard.
He is about to come home for the summer and I began to worry that he would try again and what in the world I'd be able to say or do.
The only things I am proud of is the way my son turned out. Excellerated classes all through elementary and middle school. AP classes all through high school. Who's Who In American High School Students and the National Honor Society.
He's made the Deans List both semesters. Was excepted in the Honors Program for next semester and will be inducted into the National Society of Collegiate Scholars.
Over the years the only thing my blood sweat and tears couldn't get for him was a sense of being accepted and loved by the other person responsible for him being on this earth.
I blame myself for this situation as much as anyone else (poor choices) but I am still angry at his father for completely turning his back.
I thought being able to hear from a wife what the pain and the sense of betrayal is like and why it would be important to shut the child out might help me help my son.
I think a question better than would I 'let' my husband, is: would I be able to stop him? This man is making his own choice not to see his own son. Knowing my husband, wild horses wouldn't be able to keep him away from his own child.
My husband is not the type of man who would accept an ultimatum (or the type of man who would have an affair, I don't think) regarding his child. I would be pissed, but I think it would be him who would give ME the choice - either I stay with him, child included, or I don't stay with him.
If my own children were adults I'd probably tell him to leave. I think I would be more resentful of the financial burden he had placed on our family (child support, insurance, etc) than I would of the child. I would love for my children to be able to have other siblings, so I guess I would see the actual child as more of a silver lining than a cloud.
I was raised by a man who is not my biological father and have three younger siblings that he did father. Family's not all about blood, and I do feel strongly that a man who doesn't love his own child isn't much of a man.
I say your son is better off without him, and you're lucky you ever got any child support.
You don't say if your son's father has other children by his wife, whom I'm assuming from your post stayed with him. Is it possible that the father has refused contact with your son because of conditions imposed by his wife to keep the "other" family together? Maybe the other children don't know about your son? Maybe the father would have preferred to have contact but has chosen to keep his other family together instead? Not that I think those things would be right or "fair," but it may be that it is important for your son to realize that there could be reasons his father refuses to be in contact that don't really have anything to do with your son himself. If there are other children, perhaps someday when those children are grown ...
If your son has not talked to a therapist, I think that would be a good thing. It might be helpful for him to be able to talk to someone other than you so that he doesn't have to worry about his thoughts and feelings hurting you.
If you haven't already done so, do make sure your son has access to his family medical history on his father's side. That could be important down the road.
This situation has to be difficult for your son and for you, and my heart goes out to you both. But sometimes situations just have to be accepted, even when we wish they could be fixed.
I think it would be very hard to forgive his betrayal and to have a constant reminder of his betrayal in our lives.
HOWEVER...If I could manage to forgive the man who swore to forsake all others for me...I certainly would not transfer my anger or pain onto his innocent child.
There may be some restrictions on how much time he was allowed to spend around you (just in case those old feelings never really died) but we'd find a way to keep his child from growing up thinking his father had no love for him.
We all make mistakes and my heart goes out to you and mostly to your son. You seem to have been a wonderful Mother to get him this far and pursuing a future.
Well, IF I had stayed with him after finding that out, and that’s a very big if…yes, I would allow it. The child would be perfectly innocent and I would never do anything to harm her/him. Also, if I ever met the child I would never say anything against either parent.
First of all, I cannot fathom my husband having an affair. Not only is he the worst liar in the world, he is the most loyal, honest and genuine person I've ever met in my life. So while it would be more conceivable for me to imagine him having a child out of wedlock before marrying me, I will try to imagine the affair scenario.
As much as I would despise him and the woman he had an affair with, I could never hate that child. The child deserves to know his/her parents no matter what. In fact I would remind him of his responsibility as a man and a father. If he did not want to be involved w/the child, I would think even less of him. It would be a huge adjustment in my life and in my heart, but because that child is innocent and deserves the best opportunities, I would work thru it.
Nearly 20 years ago I had an affair with a married co-worker that resulted in my son.
His father paid child support (court ordered) but said he could not be their for him.
My son has suffered much over the years because of this. I have successfully, for the most part, helped him deal with feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem because his father will not communicate with him in any way.
My son hoped that when he went off to college last fall he might finally have a chance to at least have a conversation with his father but his attempt was ignored.
I do not want to hate this man or his wife but it has always ripped me apart to see the hurt in my son's eyes.
I cannot bring myself to contact him about this and I was hoping someone could educate me a little more on what his wife must feel so that I can finally accept his position and forgive/forget.
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Honestly? I don't really know exactly WHAT I would do in that situation, but you need to remember that the child is the innocent one in all of this....the child did not ask to come into this world........so, that being said, I 'probably' would condone the relationship with him and his child but 'probably' would not like it......of course, I said 'probably' because I really don't have a clue as to how I would feel if I was in that situation. But knowing how I feel about children I don't think I could keep the child away from him out of spite since the child is the innocent one. AND, I don't even know that I could have stayed with my husband had this happened......my ex and I got divorced because of his affairs but there were no children involved.....that I know of......
Yes!!! I would..but I may not stay with hubby since he had an affair..it depends on the situation. This happened to my friend..